dear racho: loneliness

This is an open letter in response to Rachel's letter.
~

Dear Racho,

Thank you for your letter. It seems that you have been put through a lot lately, and I’m sorry that life has been hard; at the same time, good for you for being resilient (as you have been since I knew you) and taking your hard times as opportunities for personal growth.

I am in complete agreement with you that not being friends with someone doesn’t imply that you don’t care about them. In fact, I care about a the wellbeing of people that I’ve never met, and I’m sure you do too. Additionally, letting a friendship with someone "run its course" does not imply that you are secretly wishing that person’s demise. There are so many variables to investigate in each case that it’s hard to establish any universal rules, so I have decided not to try.

You said that you noticed some errors in your understanding of friendship and re-conceptualized friendship to include reciprocated trust and respect. Loneliness, then, is the feeling that you are not being respected, trusted, and cared for (I added that last one, but I’m guessing you’d agree). Its symptoms are both psychological and physical, including both sadness and fatigue. Loneliness affects our bodies and minds so intensely not because we are “weak” or “lack independence,” but because human interaction and social stability are fundamental human needs, comparable to food and shelter.

Humans are not meant to live in solitude; on the contrary, we need to know that we are part of a tribe, caring for others who care for us. Studies in both neuroscience and evolutionary science corroborate the idea that human beings have a need for deep human interactions and being part of a group. fMRI studies have shown that isolation and rejection activate the same cortexes in the brain associated with physical pain. Similarly, comforting people in distress and performing charitable acts have been shown to activate the reward centers of the brain. In this way, our mood may relate importantly to our social lives. These findings are said to support theories in evolutionary science which posit that being social in this way has had evolutionary advantages, such as a more plentiful food supply as a result of division of labor. Thus, the desire for a trusty “squad” (as I guess our generation has decided to call it) is not indicative of weakness or dependence, but actually a part of the human condition. We have no choice but to acclimate to it, and do what we can to meet our needs.

The problem today is that modern life exacerbates loneliness the more you participate in it. We traverse the globe to pursue higher education, and then move homes again to pursue our careers. Sometimes our jobs make us move every month. This makes it nearly impossible to establish a physical home base from which to maintain our relationships. The big conundrum is that we have desires to participate in modern life and to lead healthy social lives, two desires which compete with each other. Learning how to reconcile these two needs in the modern world is just something that our generation needs to suss out.

The question becomes: how do I reconcile my desires to maintain my squad and my desire to pursue an active career in the modern world? This seems difficult because the easiest way to establish trust and respect (the essential properties of friendship, as defined by you) is through physical proximity and frequent interaction; however, they are necessary only if this is the only means for establishing trust and respect. Then, the question you need to answer is whether there other methods that are sufficient.

Maybe I can help in answering this question by describing my childhood, and how it informed my ways of maintaining relationships today. Growing up in Hawaii with zero relatives on the island (aside from my parents) was an experience that I think is a bit different from what a lot of kids in Hawaii experience. I always heard about my friends’ annual family gatherings where hundreds of relatives met and held a party at one relative’s home. I have not really experienced that before.

It felt more like my family was in some kind of space shuttle. We ate, slept, and lived in the space shuttle. We had our own strange language, a mixture of Japanese and English. Our space shuttle floated about in space, removed from any one planet. We were suspended in the void. Aside from the occasional muffled sounds of pop music from the distant planets, we heard only the gentle whirring of the shuttle’s propellers.

We did however frequently visit other planets. On weekday mornings, the space shuttle stopped at planet Hawaii in the village of School, where I spent about 10 hours a day, studying various subjects and talking to friends and teachers. Once a year, the space shuttle landed on Washington planet, where my aunt and grandparents were. The population on this planet mostly spoke English, and they loved cooked salmon of the nearby planet Alaska as well as coffee. Every other summer, the space shuttle went to planet Japan where my other grandparents and aunt and uncle, as well as my parents’ friends and former coworkers were. Here, the populace spoke Japanese and ate cooked and raw fish.

The three of us were always entering a new destination into the navigation function of the shuttle and rocketing all over space, to places where we had friends and relatives who were happy to see us and went out with us to gorgeous attractions and establishments with delicious foods. Sometimes, these people even came to our space shuttle, and we took them to different attractions on planet Hawaii, which was the planet we frequented the most. Sometimes, usually at the end of the year, messages from these people were transmitted to our space shuttle too. If we ever wanted to hear someone’s voice, we just bloop-blooped a couple buttons in the space shuttle to utilize a contraption that allowed us to converse with him or her. In fact, because inter-planetary travel was so costly in both time and money, my parents made it part of our routine to frequently bloop our relatives and friends.

When I turned eighteen, I moved into a new space shuttle of my own. I still live there, floating about and listening in the silent void to the familiar whir of the propeller. Although I now station my space shuttle on planet Washington, I still visit planet Hawaii to meet with my parents on their old shuttle, and I still visit planet Japan. However, I do not have my parents in my shuttle to bloop my relatives and friends for me, and I have noticed that I forget to do it all the time. In fact I firmly believe that I probably would not do it at all unless I am periodically reminded of it; this isn’t because I don’t find conversing with them to be meaningful, but because operating my space shuttle is arduous work, and time passes by so quickly that I simply forget. After enough time passes without interacting with them, I notice that I am lonely. Now I set my devices to periodically remind me to communicate with the people I care about. Space shuttles are remarkably advanced in their ability to give me reminders!

This isn’t to imply that my childhood was some kind of futuristic fantasy, or that I was a delusional child (though you are welcome to make that argument if you so wish). I guess what I mean to say is that, growing up, even though it felt like my family and I were often removed in many ways from society, and even though the people that are dear to us were not in close proximity to us, I never really felt lonely, with respect to my family and relatives. My family made a habit of routinely utilizing the technology needed to contact and visit our faraway loved ones, and through this contact I knew that these people cared about us. I have tried my best to do this now that I am on my own, though building that routine is not easy. Sometimes I do become lonely because my habits are not yet firmly developed.

Yes, it’s hard and irksome to have to reincorporate these technologies in a new way, but it can certainly be done over time. So maybe you have to habitually utilize Skype or FaceTime, maybe on a weekly basis. Making new habits is annoying, but that is one significant way we can resolve the competing desires problem. Aside from what you have already been doing, such as taking your medication when necessary and and building your professional network, building a routine for communicating with long-distance friends can significantly help you to continue thriving and growing in the modern world without becoming too lonely.

Anyway, I am a mere bloop away, whenever needed.

Rina

dear racho: motivation

Dear Racho,

I write you this time because I have been a bit down.

Lately, I have been trying to study education and psychology on my own and in classes, with the goal of finding a field that aligns with my interests and objectives. I have developed a bigger library of information and theories in those fields, but for some reason, even with these new concepts and vocabulary, I have a hard time expressing my ideas in ways that are not too vague or abstract. They are just fuzzy little ideas that seem trivial.

This inability to eloquently express my ideas REALLY REALLY SUCKS because this has made it impossible to build upon and improve them. Building upon and improving my ideas are precisely what I want to do, so I'm sure you can imagine that this has affected me to an unimaginable degree. It seems silly when I write it out. I can't seem to find the right words.

Yesterday, I convinced myself that I was a failure because I could not remember the last time I had an interesting thought.

For the past two months, I have had moments when I felt the passion and excitement to read and to learn, but most of the time, I have felt more like I am just walking on a treadmill, looking at the same scenery, not going anywhere, just getting tired and slowly rotting away.

Yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I am sad because I feel like I've failed, and that in turn is maybe because I identify too much with my ability to think and not enough with other things. Previously, I have found a lot of meaning and enjoyment in listening to and playing music, learning about international affairs, and listening closely and trying to help others. I wonder if spending some time doing these will restore some vitality or sense of purpose or whatever is supposed to help, and maybe I can give my wilted thoughts a second chance.

I want to work hard and learn. But I am weary. And I don't know how to restore some of the...I don't know... thing, the motivating thing.

I guess I wanted to ask you: What do you do when you feel lost? What do you do when it feels like the hard work is fruitless?

I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you, friend.

Love and Peace,



Rina

on love in the early 20s

“I think I might kind of like this person, like maybe a little bit...” My friend furrowed her brow at looked at her french fry inquisitively. “Maybe, you know?  Like, a little bit.”

“Oh! What happened?” I asked.

“Well,” she grinned, and I knew that she had an exciting (though surely hyperbolized) story in store for me.  “I met him at a party last week. We talked for like an hour, maybe more!  I don’t even remember what about, but it was so fascinating! It’s been so long since I’ve been able to have that deep a conversation with a guy. I don’t know but maybe. Maybe I might like him.”

I looked up from my bloody mary to see my friend’s faraway expression. The smile appeared to be melted on to her face. A really dumb, really endearing smile. I tried not to notice her obvious mental enjoyment of whatever she was imagining. “Well, that sounds like fun!  So when are you going to hang out with him again?"

"I don't know." She slumped back in her chair and twirled the fry between her pointer finger and thumb. “But I want to talk to him again! I just have to figure out if I like-like him because if I do, I’ll ask him out for some coffee or something, but maybe I just really want to be his friend... you know? I dunno. I just don’t know. ” She glared at her french fry for a moment, and then pushed it into her mouth.

~

For some time now, I have been trying to figure out some kind of system to navigate romantic relationships. Several of my friends were asking for my advice, and especially as my Facebook feed filled up with wedding and baby pictures, I found myself thinking about romantic relationships and trying to understand them. In this essay, I will explain where I think some of the confusion revolving around this topic might be rooted, list some of the common questions that I have heard, and then detail some of my thoughts.

Firstly, a couple disclaimers.

Just for future reference, I may not be the person you want to be asking these kinds of questions to.   My opinion is and has been for a long time that the romantic dimension of relationships is at least a tinge overrated. As a result, quite of a few of my friends have described my viewpoint as “markedly dry,” “boring,” “logical to the point of coldness and sterility,” and even “unromantic."

Secondly, most of my basic ideas are observational. Since they are based on what I have seen in the media and people around me, they are contingent upon a variety of environmental factors such as culture. They are by no means universal and should therefore not be used as a normative framework for unique situations.

Lastly, I think the experiences of asexuals and aromantics probably follow different trajectories from the observations I have made, so please remember that my thoughts may not apply particularly to their experiences.

Now that I’ve thoroughly discredited myself, let us begin. The friends who asked for my advice were mostly my age or a few years younger and in college. They expressed confusion to me regarding the nature of romantic relationships, how these differ from other relationships, and how they should think about relationships in the context of unsure and dynamic future career prospects.

I found this uncertainty to be quite characteristic of early to mid 20’s romantic relationships. It seems to be caused largely by a lack of clear objectives.  The average early to mid 20’s relationship I have seen can be distinguished from the average mid to late 20’s relationship because the people in the latter group tend to have a clearer end goal for their romantic relationships: marriage or settling down. In part because this objective is clear and thus a set of fairly distinct criteria for a worthwhile relationship has been developed, the mid to late 20’s person may feel more fulfilled and less confused by her romantic relationships.  In contrast, the early 20’s person’s objectives for her relationships are less distinct, so she has difficulty distinguishing worthwhile from not worthwhile relationships.  

Further, people in the early 20’s who do have “distinct objectives” have goals like: gaining relationship experience, personal development, and having fun. These objectives comprising that person's criteria for the worthwhile experience have been put in words and thus appear to be clear and concise; however, they are not easy to evaluate. This adds yet another layer of unsettling confusion.

Additionally, because some of the goals (such as personal development) are not specific to romantic relationships (whereas the goal of marriage is pretty exclusive to romantic relationships, at least in my cultures), it also becomes difficult to distinguish the goals of romantic relationships from those of other kinds of relationships. 

So if marriage is not an objective for you, then what exactly is the difference between a romantic partner and a best friend? The anxiety we feel about our relationships is derived from not knowing the answer to that question. Thus, the integral task is to uncover and concisely identify the elements of those groups. 

Some common elements I have seen are as follows:

A: {gaining relationship experience, personal growth, ...}; B: {gaining relationship experience, understanding personal romance related preferences, ...}

If one doesn't have clear objectives exclusive to romantic relationships, one big difference distinguishing romantic relationships from friends with benefits or friendships are the feelings, namely romantic and sexual feelings. Stereotypically, I think this is what the levels of romantic feelings and levels of sexual feelings one has towards his or her friends, friends with benefits, and romantic partners.

As you can see, they’re all quite different.

We get uneasy and confused again when the levels of romantic feelings or sexual feelings start to divert from how they used to be. Sometimes there are blips in friendships, in which one suddenly feels sexual feelings towards one's friends.  Sometimes there are blips in friends with benefits situations in which romantic feelings increase for an extended feeling of time. Feelings can be unexpectedly fluid.

Why does it feel uncomfortable when your romantic feelings levels towards your friend start to look more like the typical levels you would feel towards a romantic partner? The problem here is that the relationship format you are utilizing is not conducive to the expression of your feelings. Your feelings are being forced into a structure that is not suitable for them.  The result is that you’re stuck, suppressing your feelings.

How should one gain clarity in the midst of this uncomfortable confusion? I don’t really have an answer, but here are some guiding questions that have worked for me. What are your feelings levels looking like?  Be cognizant of your feelings for someone (let’s call that person Person B) over a certain extended period of time, and then analyze: Is this just a blip, or has this been going on too long to be a mere blip?  What form of relationship would be most fitting for how you are feeling?

For example, ever since a really deep conversation you had post “evening appointment” with Person B (your friends with benefits partner) you have had feelings that seem like romantic feelings.  You noticed that over the next three weeks, these romantic feelings seem to have grown, and you find yourself wanting to send Person B a text several times per day.  The friends with benefits framework no longer seems to be suitable for the expression of your romantic feelings.  You thus decide to pursue a romantic relationship with person B.

Once you’ve figured out what kind of relationship you want with person B, discuss with person B to see if he or she agrees to change the form of the relationship to the one that you want. “Hey, Person B.  I’ve noticed that since that conversation we had a couple weeks ago, I’ve wanted to hang out with you a lot, not just have these late night appointments.  Would you like to go on a date with me some time?” Try your very best not to let your voice quiver.  Also remember to breathe as you wait for Person B’s answer.

Sometimes Person B says, “Hey, you’re right. Why don’t we give that a shot?” You will let out a sigh of relief and then excitedly set up a date, time, and place for your first cup of coffee together.

And unfortunately, sometimes Person B says, “I’m really sorry.  I’m not feeling that. I enjoyed that conversation, but I’m not really interested in going out with you.”

In that case, Person B’s feelings would not be best expressed via the same relationship framework that would be most fitting for your feelings.  This mismatch can be resolved in one way: giving up, at least for now.  Let yourself feel disappointed. Let yourself feel embarrassed and vulnerable.  Let yourself feel childish and alone.  

And once that’s over, let yourself savor the clarity of knowing that answer.  You now know definitively that going out with Person B is not a viable option. You now have complete freedom to remove the blinders and look around at the plethora of wonderful, gorgeous options around you. You don’t have the time to pursue a friendship with someone who wants to be your romantic partner. You don’t have time to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who just wants to be your friend with benefits.

Ultimately, as “unromantic” and logical as it may be, being true to our feelings and breaking the act for a moment to show the truth to person B, is an integral step in building relationships with the people we care about.  A relationship is something built by two people cooperatively.  We cannot build anything safe or stable if we do not take the time to honestly exchange opinions about the blueprint.  As people who respect each other, we owe ourselves and one another that safety of the truth.

And, full stop.  (Is this going to be my catchphrase?)

Was this too preachy? I have a great time theorizing about this kind of stuff, but I’m just too young and immature, and my data set is so small. Please let me know your thoughts. 

Love and Peace,

Rina

in which i haven't seen my mom in a long time

I was at work when I remembered that it was Mother’s Day. One of the children I work with was just coming down from a temper tantrum. Her voice was raspy from screaming obscenities and threats at me. She stood in front of me, panting, fists clenched. My jaw tightened, and I tried not to flinch, preparing myself to be the recipient of another noisy insult. My heart thundered in my chest.

But then there was a moment of silence. The child’s lips began to quiver, and with a soft thud, she crumpled into a tiny pile at my feet. “I MISS MY MOOOOOOOOOM!” She gripped my ankles and sniffled. “I miss my mom. I miss my mom!” Right, today’s Mother’s Day, I thought. It clicked. That's why she's like this.I haven’t been home in a while. I miss my mom too, kid. I could feel the little sniffling heap shaking against my feet.

I took a long, deep breath. It rattled in my chest and out through my nostrils.

~

I had a great childhood. Of course, it had setbacks and confusions, as everyone’s childhood does, but my family was always a positive constant in my life. My parents were very supportive, nurturing, and kind.

Every evening, from kindergarten through high school, on the way home from school, I looked forward to 7:00pm. This was because 7:00pm was a very special time for me. It was dinnertime. My mother always crafted incontestably the greatest home cooked dinners. I had a couple favorites, including Japanese style curry, rice bowl with chicken and egg, and grilled mackerel with vegetables. Every meal had the perfect balance of nutrients (vegetables, proteins, carbohydrates), textures (crunchy, doughy, fluffy), and tastes (savory, spicy, sweet). It was a sumptuous dinner every day. And every day, regardless of how exciting or disappointing or frustrating my day was, my mother’s cooking was waiting for me at 7:00pm. Regardless of what happened, at 7:00pm, I ate, recharged, and knew that I was alright, that tomorrow was going to be a new day.

That’s just one special example of how my mother’s quiet but constant support helped me navigate the world safely and without much fear.

My mother has always been a quietly strong lady. When I was a child, she went to work on weekdays, and sometimes worked overtime. Upon her arrival home, she went to the kitchen and began to cook dinner. Some days at dinner she had complaints about her coworkers or bad drivers she encountered during her commute, but she never complained about being tired because of work. Maybe I am just not remembering properly, but I do not remember her ever saying that she was tired. She always had things to do, and she always stood up straight and pushed through whatever it was. She never mumbled.

As a painfully shy child, "pushing through" was incredibly difficult for me.

My mother always told me, “Stop cowering and just do what you want,” or “Give it a shot,” or “Stop mumbling. No one can hear you. Be confident about what you think.” It was through watching my mother that I learned the value of hard work. It was my mother who pushed me to just close my eyes and jump, to hit the ground running and smash through any obstacles. When I made a mistake, she taught me to stand up, laugh loudly until it didn’t hurt, and then to sit to plan my next try. She was a pillar of resilience, of polite assertiveness, of power.

As an adult, I have days when I want to just slump on to something and whine about being tired. Days when I seriously doubt my abilities and my character. Days when every small decision feels like the edge of a cliff. On days like that, I wish my mother was here with a plate of warm and welcoming food and some blunt words of encouragement.

But I’m almost 25 now, and my mom lives far away. I miss my mom very much, but it’s no longer her job to provide comfort and brusque motivational speeches to me, and I must not expect that from her. I live alone, and thus, I need to find ways to nourish and comfort myself. I need to rely on myself to inspire myself to try harder and act with confidence, to be accountable for myself and for my dreams.I need to find the strength and kindness of my mom within my own heart and mind, and exercise them every day. On many days, this is hard and my knees tremble from anxiety and doubt.

But I can do it. I need to do it. I’m an adult now, and there is no going back to childhood.

~

I took another deep breath, a little bit less shaky this time, and looked at the trembling heap at my feet. I patted her head. She sniffed. Everything was going to be okay.

Full stop.

~

Sorry this isn’t so much insight as it is a confession or a brain/heart-dump entry. Even if this wasn’t super informative, I hope that at least maybe you can relate.

Love and Peace,

Rina

dear racho: friendship breakups

This is the first installation of the series Dear Racho, in which my long time friend Rachel and I write each other open letters. It is in response to this.
~~~

Dear Racho,

Thank you so much for your open letter! I'm happy to hear from you! I know we met—and chatted for 6 hours—last spring, but it seems like longer ago. It’s nice to hear your voice (in my head as I read your letter.)

It pains me to hear that life seems to be giving you a hard time. Ending relationships with core pillars of your support system sounds super destabilizing. I think it’s completely valid to feel angry, heartbroken, frustrated, miserable, trapped in a spiral of angry thoughts and feelings, as you mentioned in your letter. Understandable in every respect.

You mentioned in the letter that you learned that those with low self worth tend to make excuses for people’s bad behavior. And once these relationships end, these people with low self worth often rekindle their relationships with the people that hurt them or subconsciously seek people with similar issues. The fact that you mentioned this implied to me that you may have identified with the situation. It makes me wonder if the problem was that some of the people in your life were treating you poorly, and you unconsciously were permissive of that behavior.

Hence, I would like to start my thoughts to you with a couple important reminders. You do not deserve to be shouted at. You do not deserve to be insulted. You do not deserve to be condescended to. You do not deserve to be touched without your permission. You do not deserve to be deceived about important things. You do not deserve to be belittled. These actions are not okay.

You are important. Accordingly, you deserve to be treated with respect. This is true of you, as it is true of anyone else.

As adults—I guess I’m actually an adult now—we are the primary protectors or advocatesfor ourselves. We are the ones that are tasked with personal maintenance, oradvocating for our own physical and mental wellbeing. This means that we need to be aware of when we are treated poorly, and we need to be the ones to take action when we are hurt. Whether this means gently confronting the person or deciding to keep a distance from him or her, something needs to be done. You can’t let yourself neglect yourself. It takes practice but it’s an attainable skill.

One realization you had, that you mentioned only briefly in your letter was that taking some space from a person can help you to objectively look at your relationship with him or her. I get the feeling that this realization plays a bigger role in your process of your reflection than you may think. Why would removing ourselves from some important thing make it easier for us to objectively think about that thing? Objectively, rationally think. I wonder if the reason is that we are so emotionally invested in our relationships, and heavily charged emotion tends to hinder objective or rational thinking. I know for me it’s almost impossible to think about why my relationships ended or what my ideal friend or partner would be like if I feel like crying all the time. So, as an extension of your realization, we need to chill out a bit before we try to process what happened and why.

In the first paragraph of your letter, you mentioned “going through the stages of grief”, but for some reason going through spirals of anger and sadness. This made me wonder if maybe you were attempting to objectively think while also trying to handle having intense emotions. Intense emotions led to trying to “solve” them, which led to intense emotions and frustration, and so on.

Putting these two ideas together, it may be helpful to divert your attentionfrom trying to process what happened with your friends or your ex-romantic partner until you find that you are less emotionally invested in them, by shifting your attention to practicing being your own advocate and attending to your personal responsibilities, which you mentioned only seem to increase with time. Adulting is hard, as you said, but as adults (as we are), it is a really important part of our lives and wellbeing. Why not focus on that for a bit, and then revisit your beliefs about friendship or relationships in a couple months? Meh. There’s no need to rush.

I dunno. I basically think what you said makes a ton of sense and tried to string them together.

Love,

Rina

on excess and me

Picture this. It's Sunday, and you are in your home, sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea, looking out the window at the sunset. The sky melts from orange to deep red. It has been a pleasant weekend. You met up with a friend to go to the gelato shop that both of you have been excited to see for the longest time. You finished all of the housework. You paid your neighbor's kid to wash your car, and now that's clean too. Well, clean enough--what do you expect from a nine-year-old, really? You bring the cup of tea to your lips. The sky is a deep indigo now. You feel the steam envelop your nostrils, and you put the cup down as a strange, sinking feeling hits you in the chest. It's a creeping, nagging feeling that seems to come back at dusk, oftentimes on Sundays. What am I doing with my life? What am I trying to achieve, really? You glance around at your apartment. What is this? The sinking feeling spreads to your stomach and you take another gulp, but the tea just doesn't cure it.

Discontentment. Confusion. Shame. By any of the typical ways to measure happiness, you should have happiness. You have a well-paying job, a humble home, and most of the things you've ever wanted. Everything seems to be in place. And yet...  With a sigh, you dump the rest of the tea into the sink and close the curtains.Emptiness remains.

I think we all have this experience. At some point, we acquire the things that we've always wanted, and we expect these things to make us happy. Yet, after finally collecting it all, we're left feeling exhausted and famished rather than content.

There's clearly a problem here. Are we so silly that we expect material items to make us happy? The simple answer is: yes. But the issue is far more complicated than that, and upon looking a bit more at the issue and a bit more gently at myself, I find that it's not all my fault. I don't think that demeaning or degrading anyone solves the problem. So, let's investigate.

Firstly, it can't be your fault because you've been tricked! You've been told this your entire life. We are constantly assailed by advertisements, which promise us the world. The perfume ad promises to turn you into the minx of the city. The car ad promises to make you into the family man (which will make your wife the happy lady she was hoping to be). People grow up in these environments that quietly encourage them to remedy their insecurities through shopping, so it is not at all surprising if the seeds of this idea has been planted in your mind as well.

Secondly, there is some truth behind the idea that materials make us happy. A warm cup of hot chocolate after a long day of work can heal the soul. A three piece suit can sometimes give us the confidence we need to assert ourselves at the job interview. It's easy to look at these experiences and extend our conclusions to say that things are the cures to our ailments, but this is obviously not the case, as there are many exceptions. There are certain things that can make us feel better under certain circumstances, but the abstraction to "all things" and "all circumstances" cannot be made.

So the problem here are that people grow up being taught implicitly that shopping can solve their problems, and through experience they notice that sometimes certain things make them feel better. However, they have their expectations consistently betrayed when shopping repeatedly fails to solve their deepest issues. This gap in expectation and the reality leaves us with a damaged psyche and a ruined Sunday afternoon.

This leads me to the soul-crushing truth: items can make us feel things, but most often, they will not solve our important problems. The problems that people face are far too complex and deeply rooted to be fixed with one purchase. If one truly wants to solve life's problems, one will have to face the problems head on.

So how do we reverse our longtime ritual of collecting items for therapeutic reasons? Many people decide to embrace lifestyles like Minimalism or Essentialism, which encourage people to rid their homes and lives of items and activities that are not core necessities, or even asceticism, which encourages people to avoid indulgences entirely. While I have looked into these lifestyles and agree with many of the core assumptions, I have never really found the need to actively identify with them. I decided to boil them down to the key concepts and explain the essence of them here, and then use them make suggestions for little steps we can take to combat materialism without making the big commitment to lifestyles like Minimalism.

Key idea 1) You have a hierarchy of priorities. There are things that are more important to you than others.

Key idea 2) You can make yourself aware of your hierarchy of priorities though careful observation and periodic reflection.

Key idea 3) Having stuff you don't really care about around you has a net negative impact on your life. You have a scarcity of resources (money, time, and space in your apartment), so spending your money or time or space on things that are relatively unimportant necessarily takes away those resources that could be used instead on relatively important things. Spending our resources on our top priorities is more valuable and makes us feel better. Therefore, getting rid of the things you don't care about positively impacts your life.

The issue boils down to this: you have a decision to make. How should you use your resources? You need to make the criteria for decision-making as true to yourself as possible, and as abundantly clear to yourself as possible. Otherwise, you make poor decisions. This is when that emptiness-on-Sunday-afternoon feeling sets in.

So how do you decide on criteria? Practicing careful observation and periodic reflection are key to developing your criteria. Some helpful questions to think about in this process are: What are your aspirations? What could you not live without? Who are your heroes? What specifically are the qualities or achievements of those heroes that you respect? Be cognizant of your feelings and reactions to things; this is how you collect data on yourself. Next, you analyze this data. Compare your feelings about one thing to your feelings about another. Analyze how you thought and felt about things in the past, make comparisons, and identify themes.

How important is it to you to have many pairs of shoes? Is fashion important to you? Or are you just buying those shoes because your friend says that she read that they are going to be the must-have shoes of spring 2017? Reflect. Feel. Think.

After that, it's a problem of developing the habits or rituals that are conducive to efficient use of your resources. You can reverse the effects that your shopping habit has had on your psyche by replacing that habit with a better one. Replace your shopping habit with a jogging habit or a journal-ing habit or whatever it is sensible people do.
In this way, you don't have to be an ascetic to fight back against the temptation of materialism. We can take some time to reflect on what we truly need, and refocus our lenses on our real priorities: the things that give us joy and meaning.

And, full stop, I guess.

I hope you have some time to reflect on your priorities today.

Love and peace,
Rina

on valentine's day and schmucks

Valentines Day is quickly approaching. I'm sure you have been made painfully aware of this by the tacky red and pink hearts in shops and the advertisements for expensive shiny things and cheap boxes of chocolates.

If you talk with anyone about this time of year, you will likely encounter some pretty strong opinions. The big schools of thought seem to be that: 1) Valentines Day is good because it’s good to show your significant other that you love them, 2) Valentines Day is completely preposterous because we should be showing the people we love that we love them every single day, 3) Valentines Day is bad because it promotes the excessive romanticization of romantic relationships and thereby devalues platonic or familial relationships, 4) Valentines Day is bad because shops use marketing that promotes materialism, and in participating in Valentine’s Day, you are promoting the capitalist takeover of the world.

Many seem to ardently hold these strong opinions and also seem very quick to make judgements. Personally, I also used to have a pretty intense distaste for Valentine’s Day, but my opinion has changed over time. Nowadays, it looks like this.

Firstly, most if not all people are emotional beings. We like to know that we are safe and loved, and we like to feel happy and excited. Knowing that, if there is someone that you love, it is likely important to you to make that person feel loved and also to once in a while inject a little of the happy, butterfly-stomach feeling into his or her life. So there, we’ve established that making kind gestures to one's romantic partner is important.

Valentines Day is a day for making those gestures, which we have established are nice to make. This brings us face to face with the next opinion: Valentines Day is silly because we should be expressing our love to our loved ones every day. A wonderful sentiment, and honestly, that was the school of thought I belonged to for a long time. And then I asked myself this question: How often do I do this? The answer was: not often, and more specifically, approximately once every one or two months if not more infrequently.

So here’s the thing that I am now fine with conceding: I am not a purely rational being and I also do not have a good concept of time. Even if I know I should be telling people that I like them every single day, I will inevitably become completely entrenched in my professional and intellectual activities, and I will forget to make the gestures that I know I want to make. For this reason, I need a reminder. 

And so, my current opinion is that Valentine’s Day is convenient and helpful because without the reminder to make nice gestures to people, I would forget. And that’s okay. With that said, I also don’t think that once a year is enough. If you took the amount of happiness someone gets from a massive gesture once a year and compared it to the aggregate happiness from tiny gestures many times in a year, it appears that the latter is far bigger for the people that I know well. Accordingly, I ask myself approximately once every one or two weeks if I have made a gesture.

Regarding the argument that Valentines Day devalues non-romantic relationships, I am a firm believer that the only two factors that can devalue my relationship with some person B are person B herself and me. Valentines Day may exaggerate the importance of romantic relationships, but ultimately I am the one to decide if I buy into that idea or not.

Regarding the opinion that Valentines Day promotes materialism, this is indeed the case. Again, whether or not you buy into the materialism is ultimately your choice. In addition, I encourage myself to remember that everyone is different, and so the things that give one person the heart flutter will differ from those of others. It could mean dressing up in an outfit that you know that she particularly likes, or cooking him his favorite meal, or writing her a slightly awkward but heartfelt letter. The gesture can be extravagant, but it doesn't have to be in order to bring about the intended effect. Remembering this can be useful in reversing any materialist influence that Valentines Day marketing has on you.

So are you a cynical grump for having a negative reaction to Valentines Day? Probably not. There is a lot of pressure put on us all by marketing and media during this time of year, and it’s completely natural to have a visceral reaction to it. If you feel stressed, you should do what you always do to handle stress--no need to take it out on people who love Valentine's day.  

Are you a sappy schmuck for thinking about celebrating Valentines Day? Probably not. You’re probably just a kindhearted, empathetic person who wants his or her significant other to be happy. That’s wonderful. Just take the time to think about what makes that unique person feel loved and happy—do that thing, rather than buying a ridiculously shiny box of sub-par chocolate.

And that’s where I stand on the issue. More succinctly and elegantly put, I just wish we could chill out and love each other and ignore all the silly stuff, and it's mostly all silly stuff.