“I think I might kind of like this person, like maybe a little bit...” My friend furrowed her brow at looked at her french fry inquisitively. “Maybe, you know? Like, a little bit.”
“Oh! What happened?” I asked.
“Well,” she grinned, and I knew that she had an exciting (though surely hyperbolized) story in store for me. “I met him at a party last week. We talked for like an hour, maybe more! I don’t even remember what about, but it was so fascinating! It’s been so long since I’ve been able to have that deep a conversation with a guy. I don’t know but maybe. Maybe I might like him.”
I looked up from my bloody mary to see my friend’s faraway expression. The smile appeared to be melted on to her face. A really dumb, really endearing smile. I tried not to notice her obvious mental enjoyment of whatever she was imagining. “Well, that sounds like fun! So when are you going to hang out with him again?"
"I don't know." She slumped back in her chair and twirled the fry between her pointer finger and thumb. “But I want to talk to him again! I just have to figure out if I like-like him because if I do, I’ll ask him out for some coffee or something, but maybe I just really want to be his friend... you know? I dunno. I just don’t know. ” She glared at her french fry for a moment, and then pushed it into her mouth.
~
For some time now, I have been trying to figure out some kind of system to navigate romantic relationships. Several of my friends were asking for my advice, and especially as my Facebook feed filled up with wedding and baby pictures, I found myself thinking about romantic relationships and trying to understand them. In this essay, I will explain where I think some of the confusion revolving around this topic might be rooted, list some of the common questions that I have heard, and then detail some of my thoughts.
Firstly, a couple disclaimers.
Just for future reference, I may not be the person you want to be asking these kinds of questions to. My opinion is and has been for a long time that the romantic dimension of relationships is at least a tinge overrated. As a result, quite of a few of my friends have described my viewpoint as “markedly dry,” “boring,” “logical to the point of coldness and sterility,” and even “unromantic."
Secondly, most of my basic ideas are observational. Since they are based on what I have seen in the media and people around me, they are contingent upon a variety of environmental factors such as culture. They are by no means universal and should therefore not be used as a normative framework for unique situations.
Lastly, I think the experiences of asexuals and aromantics probably follow different trajectories from the observations I have made, so please remember that my thoughts may not apply particularly to their experiences.
Now that I’ve thoroughly discredited myself, let us begin. The friends who asked for my advice were mostly my age or a few years younger and in college. They expressed confusion to me regarding the nature of romantic relationships, how these differ from other relationships, and how they should think about relationships in the context of unsure and dynamic future career prospects.
I found this uncertainty to be quite characteristic of early to mid 20’s romantic relationships. It seems to be caused largely by a lack of clear objectives. The average early to mid 20’s relationship I have seen can be distinguished from the average mid to late 20’s relationship because the people in the latter group tend to have a clearer end goal for their romantic relationships: marriage or settling down. In part because this objective is clear and thus a set of fairly distinct criteria for a worthwhile relationship has been developed, the mid to late 20’s person may feel more fulfilled and less confused by her romantic relationships. In contrast, the early 20’s person’s objectives for her relationships are less distinct, so she has difficulty distinguishing worthwhile from not worthwhile relationships.
Further, people in the early 20’s who do have “distinct objectives” have goals like: gaining relationship experience, personal development, and having fun. These objectives comprising that person's criteria for the worthwhile experience have been put in words and thus appear to be clear and concise; however, they are not easy to evaluate. This adds yet another layer of unsettling confusion.
Additionally, because some of the goals (such as personal development) are not specific to romantic relationships (whereas the goal of marriage is pretty exclusive to romantic relationships, at least in my cultures), it also becomes difficult to distinguish the goals of romantic relationships from those of other kinds of relationships.
So if marriage is not an objective for you, then what exactly is the difference between a romantic partner and a best friend? The anxiety we feel about our relationships is derived from not knowing the answer to that question. Thus, the integral task is to uncover and concisely identify the elements of those groups.
Some common elements I have seen are as follows:
A: {gaining relationship experience, personal growth, ...}; B: {gaining relationship experience, understanding personal romance related preferences, ...}
If one doesn't have clear objectives exclusive to romantic relationships, one big difference distinguishing romantic relationships from friends with benefits or friendships are the feelings, namely romantic and sexual feelings. Stereotypically, I think this is what the levels of romantic feelings and levels of sexual feelings one has towards his or her friends, friends with benefits, and romantic partners.
As you can see, they’re all quite different.
We get uneasy and confused again when the levels of romantic feelings or sexual feelings start to divert from how they used to be. Sometimes there are blips in friendships, in which one suddenly feels sexual feelings towards one's friends. Sometimes there are blips in friends with benefits situations in which romantic feelings increase for an extended feeling of time. Feelings can be unexpectedly fluid.
Why does it feel uncomfortable when your romantic feelings levels towards your friend start to look more like the typical levels you would feel towards a romantic partner? The problem here is that the relationship format you are utilizing is not conducive to the expression of your feelings. Your feelings are being forced into a structure that is not suitable for them. The result is that you’re stuck, suppressing your feelings.
How should one gain clarity in the midst of this uncomfortable confusion? I don’t really have an answer, but here are some guiding questions that have worked for me. What are your feelings levels looking like? Be cognizant of your feelings for someone (let’s call that person Person B) over a certain extended period of time, and then analyze: Is this just a blip, or has this been going on too long to be a mere blip? What form of relationship would be most fitting for how you are feeling?
For example, ever since a really deep conversation you had post “evening appointment” with Person B (your friends with benefits partner) you have had feelings that seem like romantic feelings. You noticed that over the next three weeks, these romantic feelings seem to have grown, and you find yourself wanting to send Person B a text several times per day. The friends with benefits framework no longer seems to be suitable for the expression of your romantic feelings. You thus decide to pursue a romantic relationship with person B.
Once you’ve figured out what kind of relationship you want with person B, discuss with person B to see if he or she agrees to change the form of the relationship to the one that you want. “Hey, Person B. I’ve noticed that since that conversation we had a couple weeks ago, I’ve wanted to hang out with you a lot, not just have these late night appointments. Would you like to go on a date with me some time?” Try your very best not to let your voice quiver. Also remember to breathe as you wait for Person B’s answer.
Sometimes Person B says, “Hey, you’re right. Why don’t we give that a shot?” You will let out a sigh of relief and then excitedly set up a date, time, and place for your first cup of coffee together.
And unfortunately, sometimes Person B says, “I’m really sorry. I’m not feeling that. I enjoyed that conversation, but I’m not really interested in going out with you.”
In that case, Person B’s feelings would not be best expressed via the same relationship framework that would be most fitting for your feelings. This mismatch can be resolved in one way: giving up, at least for now. Let yourself feel disappointed. Let yourself feel embarrassed and vulnerable. Let yourself feel childish and alone.
And once that’s over, let yourself savor the clarity of knowing that answer. You now know definitively that going out with Person B is not a viable option. You now have complete freedom to remove the blinders and look around at the plethora of wonderful, gorgeous options around you. You don’t have the time to pursue a friendship with someone who wants to be your romantic partner. You don’t have time to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who just wants to be your friend with benefits.
Ultimately, as “unromantic” and logical as it may be, being true to our feelings and breaking the act for a moment to show the truth to person B, is an integral step in building relationships with the people we care about. A relationship is something built by two people cooperatively. We cannot build anything safe or stable if we do not take the time to honestly exchange opinions about the blueprint. As people who respect each other, we owe ourselves and one another that safety of the truth.
And, full stop. (Is this going to be my catchphrase?)
Was this too preachy? I have a great time theorizing about this kind of stuff, but I’m just too young and immature, and my data set is so small. Please let me know your thoughts.
Love and Peace,
Rina
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